The Love That Was
Ignorance is bliss. But to ignore is (really) something easier said than done. Sometimes people do stupid things to get on your nerves; you really just wanna slice his balls off or slit her clit. But if you do manage to hold back for a minute, you’ll see that the best thing to do, is to not do anything at all.
However, even after this realization, I still feel like I owe me this. This piece of crap to you, this piece of drama for him, but what this is, is a closure for me.
* * *
Have you ever loved somebody you never thought you would? Well, I was one of them.
I fell for a guy I least thought I would like, leave alone love. I met *Z who came into this company and I was told to take a few shots of him. I thought he looked like a lizard. He was so pale and thin with his long hair covering his manly structure; I just wanted to save him, give him a makeover for the camera. Nonetheless, I thought he was kinda cute. It felt like we could be best friends.
People were teasing us behind his back and that whisked up nothing into something. Being the then flirtatious me, I sent him a text adding a random word “Crabbie~!!!!!” at the end of it. I guess that was when everything started.
We hung out. Often. We always ended up at KLCC when we aimed for Pavilion and vice versa. There was this one time when I was wearing a G-string and my period came so I dragged him all the way to LaSenza and bought a panty that spells “naughty” lol. It was the simple funny things like this that made us enjoyed each other.
*Z and I were IKEA buddies. I was moving into my new place at that time. All I had was a cupboard, a bed, and a lamp. One night I was just telling him of my OCD (how I must arrange my clothes according to colours) and he amazed me because most guys I meet would just say “You’re weird” but fuck that shit. With *Z, talking to him was never a waste of time. To me, his intellectuality spells sexy.
Our friendship blossomed like pink Sakura flowers in spring. What happened to it?
* * *
Summer is when spending time together never seems to be enough for a new couple. *Z is not a romantic kinda guy but for me, he was the best he could be.
It took me a while to learn that if a business man gives you a Benz and that is his all, it doesn’t mean that a fisherman who gives you a Proton means he loves you less. I am not talking about materials, but in terms of love. I used to force *Z eat tofu because I think it is nice – but what is the point if he eats it for me but actually still think it tastes like shit?
But the season changed and autumn felt so long. As the leaves turned gold, I think this love withered. There was no more Sakura.
We started noticing the differences, expectations became higher, I got disappointed, he got tired. Many times we promised to meet each other halfway. We did it, but in our journey, I think we lost ourselves. We walked beyond halfway and didn’t stay there long enough to see each other eye to eye.
From this relationship, I experienced what “loving is accepting” all about because truth is, people don’t change. How good I was as a girlfriend is not for me to say. A friend once told me – that is perceived value. But what I know is, I not only loved, but I loved to accept him for who he is.
If I was Ribena, when winter came I was red wine. I thought this love had ripen, but *Z was acting all cool and I felt so cold. I wanted to spend time with him just like we did during summer, but he was too busy. He said he tried and I wondered what was there to try when it is about what you want.
I don’t need a boyfriend handcuffed to me. All I wanted was to know that he would love to see me too. It was this priceless thing he failed to give me that made us both so unhappy. You think so?
Not quite. I believed the truth is his love was lost somewhere along the way. At first it was the fire works you see on new year’s eve, now it is those cheap ones you throw to the ground.
* * *
I was dumped. I believed what we needed was some time and space to breathe, so I insisted on a 2 weeks break instead of a breakup, and he agreed.
On 27th March, my cousin dragged me to the club. It was Earth Hour day. Sad but potentially the day I would hate most in my life right now. I knew he was going there earlier around 8, and didn’t expect him to stay till late.
I was on the way to the loo when I saw him dancing on the dance floor; rockin’ his groin kinda moves. It was the twelfth day of our break and I didn’t wanna jinx anything so the girls and I went to Phuture.
But somehow, there was this incredibly strong feeling in my heart tugging me towards him, and a clear voice inside my head asking me to follow my heart.
I got to go, I told my cousin. Well go ahead, she said, but we won’t follow you.
I swam past an ocean of sweat of horny people and then I saw – the most horrible, disgusting scene happening in front of my eyes.
I was literally stoned. My brain got disconnected. My mind didn’t want to believe what the eyes identified…
Under the disco lights, I see his lips kissing and kissing this girl I never met. His tongue stuck inside her mouth; locked on tight. Those arms around her body; so close I could feel it. I tried to deny what I was seeing but I knew I was right when I noticed his colleagues stared at me looking at him.
I carried what’s left of me and touched his arms but he couldn’t even feel me. He couldn’t feel me because he was so into kissing the girl! This is worse than hearing from a friend that your boyfriend is cheating. I held him again and this time he turned around and looked at me. He smiled.
There goes an apology speech of how I didn’t deserve to see that but then I thought to myself – I can also kiss any guy I want, but am I doing it? For 12 days I suffered, fell sick, went crazy, but swallowed it all whole-heartedly because there was this dim glimmer of chance that this relationship could be saved.
“I have never felt this happy for the longest time. Now when I speak, I feel the whole world stops. I don’t and I just couldn’t love you the same way as I did before“, was the answer I received.
* * *
My hypothesis, proven. That last sentence was enough to break me into pieces. All I knew was I loved him. I gave my heart and my all. And what do I get?
I kept asking myself what have I done wrong; so wrong to deserve this. Or what have I not done to save it. But that shouldn’t matter anymore, should it? What happened to the man I once knew so well?
There goes all my trust and respect I had for *Z as a man. Down the drain it went. He said he hope we can be friends, but do real friends cheat? Neither a man, nor a friend. He is a beast.
He used to say it was me who humiliated this relationship through my emo Tweets and Facebook updates. I air dirty laundry. But honey nothing beats what you did, now you won. I hope you are happy now.
He said I think he is easy to bully. That he can actually get any girls he wants. All he has to do is just talk. And I bullied him, just because he was miscued. How could anyone in this world say such a thing… that I bully him by accidentally catching him red handed in the club?
I was his biggest fan. I may need more growing up to do, but all I wanted was to be there by his side and cheer for him till the day he says to me, “Baby, I think I made it. We are there now.”
It is sad that I can’t be the one and it is even sadder that I’ve stopped wishing him the best, because the truth is, a person like him has to fall to be.
Despite all that, I still love him. I can put my words in BOLD and say “*Z is a jerk he should get AIDS fuck him no time” but who am I lying to? You can lie to everyone in this world but don’t ever lie to yourself. I’m just gonna be honest with my feelings and move on in my own time. I miss him. )=
If I were *Z, I wouldn’t know how to face Cindy anymore. But as Cindy, I hope we can still be friends one day and chill like we used to. This world is so big and amongst billions of them, we once had a chance to walk together hand in hand. That must’ve mean something right?
* * *
Speaking about the big World, the next day after the tragic incident, I was introduced to a girl by a friend. You won’t believe me, but she was the girl he kissed.
IS MY LIFE A COMEDY OR WHAT?!