I am stepping into the month of May by returning to Malaysia and damn it feels great to be home. Albeit it being a short trip, I really need this. Because I’m like a computer with 3917 applications running at the background that desperately screams “REBOOT ME”.
This first week is all about ‘servicing’ myself. I welcomed me home with a Thai massage at the airport, got a brilliant new hair cut today, considering a mani/pedicure session for tomorrow, scheduled a Brazilian wax and facial session before I return to Cingapore – boy, I feel like myself again! Driving my red car to Bangsar, passing by my favorite spots in the city, spending time with family . . . Personally, Harimau Malaya over Mermaid Lion anytime, guys. (No offense.)
As a person who has always been most comfortable around herself, I have never felt so lonely in my life – not so much of needing company, but the right people who can lend support. I also miss Malaysians, the places that gave me memories and the food that grew me.
The past 4 months, I’ve gone through a lot of emotions abroad. I taught myself to see the beauty in sad things and learned to feel happy in ugly situations. Overall, it was more like a slow hike uphill rather than a smooth cruise across Mediterranean sea.
It is not that my life sucked or anything – I recently learned that I am going through what’s called 30s-life crisis; which is actually a thing. Day in and day out, I tend to focus on what I have not achieved instead of what I have achieved. Watching how other people live on Instagram or YouTube makes me feel like deleting my own life online; I feel small or insignificant. I lose the drive to do anything; including meeting new people. I talk, laugh and cry to my cat instead. I feel my passion fade and watch it slip away helplessly. Life seems directionless and tasteless.
One thing I never do though is hide my age. Because I think it is not the number’s fault, neither is it time’s. If anything it is what I have done with time; the same amount everyone’s given.
Am I ashamed to admit this? I was skeptical to come forward. But after speaking to my best friend; a strong woman who has emerged from the same stage as an even better person, I realized that I am not alone. Ai Rene instilled in me a different way to look at things and that is to see 30s as a brand new second half. That’s true because if you ask me if I want to go back to my 20s? Nah.
I am still unsure of how to survive this gracefully. However, I will tackle one thing at a time, starting from home. I may not be the strongest woman at heart and mind, but I am the strongest I can be and I think that counts as something.
If you’ve been through what I am going through and don’t mind sharing, I’d love to hear from you.
Till then, I hope May may treat us well, with more possibilities than maybes.