A 100 Blend.

As you know, i am a performing arts graduate. Many wondered – what do you learn? You actually need a degree for that? So… you perform arts. What’s it like? Karma sutra? @_@

Even though i graduated with a major in acting, i don’t do much acting in life. It’s not that i don’t want to, but let’s just say it’s tough to survive by just acting. Anyway.

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The last time i watched a play since yesterday was perhaps yesteryear. So you can imagine how thrilled i felt when i was invited to watch Life Sdn Bhd 6 : Abuse @ The Actor’s Studio.

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Food and drinks served under the drizzling rain.

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This is Michelle. i call her my “blog manager”.

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This is one of my sweet reader Rupi. i hope i don’t spell her name wrongly.

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Yip, or zique on Twitter. i know him since a few years ago as a photographer.

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This is Tian Chad, one of the most friendly blogger i know.

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And of course, this is a|x.

This whole event i’m blogging about is not merely about a play. It is for the MANifesto campaign : 100th year of International Women’s Week.

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Getting involved with the pledge for Lily Sin and POCC (Power Over Cervical Cancer) campaign has made me more than eager to continue reaching out to as many people as i can through this medium, about awareness i can relate to revolving in our society today.

You can also sign and share the MANifesto here.

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FYI, this play is FOC so you can go watch it with your mother, sisters, friends, boyfriend, etc. Just take the lift next to Zara @ Lot 10 and go to the 8th floor. i highly recommend you watch it.

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Once a theater student, always a theater student. i enjoy the beauty of talking about play(s) i watched and it’s cool that i get to do that with my partner. i was secretly glad that i managed to get a +1 for him because we had always talked about watching a play together, but never get around doing it for real.

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With a couple of good ol’ friends like Red Mummy and Red Daddy.

This 90 minutes play is made up of monologues based on true stories. Some of them are actors, some are real survivors. i find it hard to feel the stories told by third parties, but the performances by the survivors really touched my heart.

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There is something so priceless about these people who are strong enough to open up themselves in public and share their honest stories about their tragic past. How can you not respect them?

It is easy for us to just watch and listen to somebody recite a tale, but can you imagine if you were the one who got gang raped, molested by your grandfather for years, or sexually abuse? How would that affect your life and future?

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One of the stories that i could relate to was by Will Quah. He started his humble monologue by saying his stories are nothing compared to the others, but that’s the beauty of being an actor – you never know when you “touched someone’s heart”.

To cut a long story short, i guess what Will was trying to say, was that the way his policeman dad punished him has pushed him away from his own father. Unfortunately for you, i won’t be revealing his story here because some of you might be watching it. But today, he has doubts about starting his own family because he is afraid of what he is capable of if he becomes a father.

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The Cast.

Today, my mum and i had a fight. It is like the kind of problem that will exist between us eternally. She asked me, “Why can’t we be close like mother and daughter?”

i wish i can treat my mother like a best friend. i tried really hard, but i just can’t do it. So i asked myself – why?

You see, my mum was a teacher, and she had high hopes for me to become a doctor. With my grades, i could. But i didn’t. i guess i didn’t because i was forced to study till 3 a.m. everyday. i could only play badminton for half an hour. i wasn’t allowed to go out like the other kids, and scorned if i washed my hair and it took me too long. Studying became a nightmare to me. i wanted to fly, i wanted to be free.

So i rebelled and studied performing arts. i’ve always love performing but i guess what i love more, is to express what’s suppressed inside me, and to make myself heard.

In theater classes, i am allow to breath, free my thoughts, run in a black box like it was a jungle full of fairies, and feel what i want to feel. No one would laugh at me because we are all different, but there’s one special thing that we do – we accept.

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i guess i was a happy girl for a little while. Especially when i pursued my degree in Australia for a year. It was like an escapade and nobody was there to nag at me. But at the deepest spot in my heart, i knew my mother never blessed the decision that i made. i was indirectly made to feel useless and a shame just because i didn’t choose to study medicine or law.

Was she right? i always believe that no matter how crazy mothers sound, there is always some truth in it if you are sane enough to strip those sentences naked and extract the key words. Do i regret taking this route i take? No. Would i have studied law if i wasn’t suppressed like a religion? Yes. Who can i blame? No one. Can i say my life is fated to be that way? i don’t know. But what i know, is that i have forgiven, but all is not forgotten.

Like Will, i am worried if i would become a mother like that. i am fear of what i am capable of. This morning i was so depressed i swear i would take 5 sleeping pills if i had them beside my bed. But i’m alive now, and writing this. Call me crazy.

If you are a parent reading this, make sure you know what abuse is before you take any actions to your child. i’m not saying i was abused, but my soul is bruised. Maybe it’ll heal someday, maybe it’ll take forever.

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17 comments

  1. Mothers will always be mothers. Just take everything as advice, not over emotionally, else both gets hurt. *hugs* sayang~

    1. thanks booby, for being there for me. <3

  2. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Michelle Teh, Tey Cindy. Tey Cindy said: i wrote a very honest post today : A 100 Blend – http://bit.ly/i7u1OH [...]

  3. my mom is a lecturer and i wanted to do designing very much. just that the sad thing is I always have good grades bcos I like to challenge myselffor exams, zzzz and I don’t have the excuse to do an art subject.. :’( Yes I agree with the studying until 3am part. It’s very suffering. I’m glad u were able to make your decision becos I didn’t have the courage to choose another route.

    1. ): i don’t know what to say to that… my brother is studying something he doesn’t like. sigh~ what’s life if u’re not doin’ something u love, & what’s life is u’re doing something u love, but can’t make enuf for a living. :(

  4. Oops, U look pretty ^^
    like ur charm smiling ~

    1. thank q… ^^ *shy wtf

  5. In the end it’s about not beying accepted.
    And I don’t mean not accepting you as a familymember but
    truly accept you as a person with all her flaws and
    choices you make.

    Because what if you did the study she wants? Make more money?
    And money equals a better life?

    In the end is your happiness that counts. No matter how much
    money you earn or what your carreer will be.

    But I think this problem will always excist in the asian
    culture.

    The best advice I can give you is just live your life
    with no regrets and be happy. You can never live up to the
    expectations of your parents or other people. I have tried
    that. It doesn’t work.

    1. hi5 & FOL. trying my best to live the happiest way i can. hard to maintain, but life goes on. *BIG HUG*

  6. Hhmm…. I think almost everyone has been through a similar predicament as what you once did (me too). I ended up following my mother’s advice because I think subconsciously I knew it to be true. What she asked for has never been unreasonable and I know that she doesn’t ‘force’ me to do anything I really hate (because as a kid yeah, I rebelled against learning to play the piano and taking up a sport seriously and she never pressed me into it, after a few tries of course). And guess what, I truly, truly regret it now. So I’m kind of glad that I did follow her advice regarding my future, because I am not regretting it now at all. I look at my friends who did whatever they wanted and they come back home complaining and worrying about their future everyday.
    I’m not saying that to not have dreams but in order to have them, one must truly understand their own capabilities. I didn’t think I would be strong enough to fight for mine so I settled for ‘safe’ instead of the ‘unconventional’ one that I had. Because my mom told me, she basically doesn’t mind if I want to do something else, as long as I make sure that whatever I chose, I must make sure that I am truly successful in that field. That is fair I guess.
    The people that I truly admire though, are not the ones who rebelled but those who knuckled down and followed their parents’ wishes ADN THEN followed their dreams. That takes determination and dedication. I admire that strength.
    I don’t think your parents disapprove your choice entirely because they still funded your education in Australia right? I had to get a scholarship for mine (even though I am doing what they wanted T_T). So cheer up, you’ve got what you wanted, now you have to make it work for you. =)

    1. part of me wish i were u. but thanks so much for this comment. it made me realize that what all parents want, is the best for their children. i don’t know what to say on my behalf; but i guess i’ll have to make the best of what i have and make them proud. (:

      1. Oh wow, I read through my comment again and I feel I may have been rather blunt. You handled it very well. I hope it didn’t feel like a rap to the knuckles. =P We’re almost the same age. I shouldn’t be assuming I could give you advise =X

      2. nah, no worries lah! it’s ok. ^^

  7. I think mums just have our best interests at heart. They may not say or show it the way we understand, but that’s the thing — love comes in many forms. I’m sure she just wanted the best for you, a good life, a good future. Does she approve of what you do now?

    I think you shouldn’t be afraid of the kind of mother you’d be. Though it is true that sometimes, try as we might, we end up being the parents we didn’t want to be. But sometimes, the opposite happens. When we’ve had parents who scarred us in one way or another, we find that strength to NOT be that kind of parent, only because we KNOW what it was like.

    Bottom line is, being a parent is a journey. We are ALL flawed, and imperfect. Despite you doing your best as a mother, your child might STILL find you lacking. But I think the most important part is doing your utmost best, with the best of intentions. I’m sure your child will eventually understand, and forgive.

    Similarly, I wish you a heart of forgiveness. For your mother. May your relationship heal. All the best :)

    1. thanks for the comment, Liz. what u say is absolutely true; & i believe i’m going thru this journey of learning as a daughter too. i also think that i’m slowly claiming my heart of forgiveness. <3

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