Everything That’s Been Going On In My Life Right Now.
Is it because I turned 30? Since the past two months it has been too noisy in my head; I feel more relieved around people rather than my own company, lest my inner monologues get the better of my sanity.
Reluctantly, I asked my best friend if I was simply ungrateful to be worrying about #firstworldpains and surprisingly, she reminded me not to belittle the problems we face, be them big or small. Because pain is unmeasurable - it would be unfair to compare a person’s broken heart to the hunger of a starving child. Digesting that food for thought, I decided to tend and mend each matter that’s been screaming S.O.S. by breaking them down.
This post is written with much hesistance as I don’t know what is expected of me or how much you know me to begin with. Why I decide to share, is to be able to move on, to proceed. Because I can’t do another travel guide or fashion post without first coming forward about this stage of life I’m going through. Because life online may seem rosy and fabulous, but life is just another life too. Because I know you are reading and I hope I have your support.
The Furmental Shock
My 1-week absence can be explained by our return from Germany to Cingapore. Amongst the countless things to tackle while battling jet lag, the one that worried me most was to find our cat Cinga, overweight; with a fat furry pouch hanging from her belly. We bought an automatic food feeder just before we left her with a friend and must had set the quantity wrong, resulting in free-feeding (where food is available 24/7 for a pet to eat).
That said, the first day home was all about this little life. Can you imagine a cat that’s not groomed for 2.5 months? Cinga is now on a diet plan and we even bought her a harness and leash to get her walking / exercising more. It’ll probably take months for results to show. Plus, tomorrow she’s getting neutered, so please pray for her a speedy recovery.
A Desperate Housewife
Unpacking life from suitcases and bags the size of furnitures in a house of dust and cat fur double-coating floors means loads of laundry rounds with a crowded balcony and spring cleaning to be done for days. I’m happy to report that our home is pretty much ready to live in again, with a clean ingredients-packed fridge.
With many new recipes to try and more dishes to cook (deprived from proper Asian food after living in Berlin), the next thing to tackle is to have more meals at home because eating out is expensive in Cingapore, while most economy rice tastes bland, their chicken too fat or vegetables scented with pesticide.
What I noticed since moving out is how much time housework takes. Perhaps it makes sense, or live-in maids won’t exist or have full-time jobs anymore. Every now and then I find myself wishing I have more than 24 hours a day. To ensure my time is divided more efficiently, I’ve begun to jot down the times once I start / end a new task in a day.
Minutes Months Too Late
Cue ‘Michael Learns To Rock’.
With a heavy heart, I am sad to say that our wedding ceremony will be postponed again for the second year.
The moving between 3 countries didn’t help. All 5 Portuguese wedding planners I contacted either did not reply, took ages to reply, or stopped replying. Maybe it’s the language, maybe the distance too far, or maybe the economy is so damn good they are not interested to do business anymore. Maybe, but still.
Like most if not all weddings which come with one part misunderstanding, half part hiccup with sponsor, a quarter part unavailability with dates . . . I am unwillingly losing the passion and drive to make this dream happen. I am disappointed, yet so am I numb.
To our family and friends who were counting down the days, sorry. I hope this means more time to save more for better, further travels next year.
Home Is Where You Want To Bring Up Your Kids
Last weekend, I had a conversation with a friend who told me that her friend moved to Australia for the kids she doesn’t have. “Is this place where you want to bring up your kids?” she asked. A second paused while my heart turned inside out.
After graduating from Australia, most of my friends made the decision to fight for a Permanent Residence pass there too. They were young, single people with no kids, paving their ways towards that one direction I didn’t go. Instead, I returned to Malaysia. Is it fair to ponder if that was a mistake?
Do I want to bring up my future kids in Singapore? No. What about Malaysia? NO. Am I at the right place right now? I don’t even know. I am just living life as it is, adjusting, adjusting. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry. Sometimes I do just that.
Blog Life Crisis
This is the hardest part to talk about.
It pains me to say, but Cin City can’t sustain me anymore in the most expensive city in the world to live in. Starting this month, I’ll be job hunting. I don’t know what I’ll feel comfortable doing yet as I’ve been freelancing for the past year, but I’ll seek where opportunities lie with passion.
Since the move, I still receive invitations to events, fashion shows, etc., scroll to the bottom of the emails to check the venue and 99% state ‘Kuala Lumpur’. I draft the same old reply kindly rejecting them, one by one. I hate talking about this to people verbally because they make it sound so easy – “Just do it all over again la.”
All. over. again. la. Has starting over anything in life ever been easy?
When you already have everything running perfectly well at another life / country left behind, it’s hard not to look back. Yet I know in the big picture, this is the right decision. In Malaysia, we are doing the same work, receiving the same pay, but at Singapore, in a much better currency.
Whether it’s before bed or when I wake up, the first thing that comes to mind is “How to juggle both?”. It weighs me down because I know something has to be sacrificed. Then I close my eyes and hope I can sleep forever without a dream.
Many of you must have wondered how I get the funds to travel so often. Unless I am traveling with my other half, I pay for my own travels.
I used to toil the 9 to 6 grind at a company, W, along Jalan Sultan Ismail, got stuck in horrendous traffic which brought me home at 7.30 p.m. Slept from 9 p.m. to 12 a.m. Attended to my blog from midnight till 3 or 5 a.m. Resumed sleep for a mere 2 hours till 7 a.m. before getting ready for work again.
Those years of hard work at W and disciplined saving pay off up till today. I know it can be done, but I’m not sure if that’s the lifestyle I want to live anymore . . .
How do you judge which is worth sacrificing when you can’t bite off more than you can chew? Or are we life acrobats, juggling it all to survive?