Dearest

dear God,

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{4 faced buddha @ Erawan temple, Bangkok}

i know i’ve been distant. i’m sorry for turning to you only when i need you the most. it’s just that… i would need you 1440 minutes a day, and i can’t be on my knees talking to you 24/7. but thank you for always being there; even when i tell you things and you just smile back at me peacefully without saying a word. i guess you’re up there looking down at me, watching my back.

 

dear grandma,

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{grams in her cute blue blouse}

annually i promise myself to call you every Saturday, but i never do. an average Asian lives 72.5 years one lifetime; today you’re close to 75. i allowed our distance to eat into our now nostalgic relationship, as you age away alone at our lonely town. i wish i could do more and i’m sorry i’ve been so busy. neglecting you is like neglecting me; and i’m doing both of that i’m sorry. i love you more than you can ever imagined.

 

dear daddy and mummy,

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{the best gift from parents: a baby bro (despite my -_- face)}

i’ve been a distant daughter. a cold rebel, but a result of my once haunted childhood. i wish you’d never promised me a music box and a trip to Disneyland when i was 12, i wish i could forget the leather belts and broken hangers that used to hit me because i got number 4 in class, i wish i could forgive that you didn’t want to attend my graduation in 2007… i bet you’ve both forgotten but these memories still run fresh in my blood. i try for us to be closer, but every time i do i’d rather hide in my room with my useless pride. i promise i’ll try harder to be rosier and warmer. p.s. thanks for giving me a great brother who understands me in and out.

 

dear a|x,

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{will a four leaf clover bring you back to me?}

it’s been 4 months since you left me. every now and then i still find myself in pools of tears soaking my pillow; bad dreams of pleading, rejections, more pleading from me and more rejections from you. the morning rays always bring me back to the days you called me your sunshine and how i’ll always be. now i’m left to wonder what happened to ‘always’ – as you’re probably in the arms of some other girl wishing me the best. i never understood why you said you love me but never wanted to try with me, or how ‘giving my all’ means being alone in the end. you know, i would donate my heart to you if that means keeping our love alive. i set countless deadlines to freeze you, just to find myself missing us in the intermissions of my daily life; happening almost naturally. but i’ve learned lately that there is no shame in admitting that you’re still in love with someone as long as you’re being honest with yourself; so i’ll face the pain until it hurts no more. i miss you very much and i love you. a part of me will always do.

 

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14 comments

  1. No ashamed and nothings wrong with admitting that you still have feeling despite the situation. You can only get through and overcome this sadness by facing it … then hopefully doesn’t take long – cos usually taaaakes forever : ) – there’s that “A-Ha” moment where you can see that he’s no worthy of someone like you

    1. i wonder when’s That day coming…

      1. just read the other reply from you … very important, I think, having good friends whos willing to listen no matter what. Just like you admitting out here that you still have heart for him, say it to your friends too that you need them. Talk it out when you feel down. I don’t think they given up, my dear .. especially if they are really care for you

  2. There will be someone who will fill that void again with love and joy. It’s still too early to give up, as I myself won’t give up in finding someone I can be with. Sadness is a thing in the past and joy is what you make of it in this moment to determine your happier future.

    1. so +’ve! gambateh JT. btw, we’ve ‘known’ each other for so long!!

      1. hahaa, yeah you can say that. Been following your blog since I saw you at red communication yearsssss ago. You’ve really come a long way since then (adoi, I feel macam pak cik adi ) =)

  3. Why so sadddddddd wan?! :’(
    When it comes to family relationships, I always feel it’s better to confront and get it all out there, no matter how tough it is. It is only when you can have a clean slate that you can afresh. Today, I was reminded that we have to learn to “seize the day” and it’s opportunities, because life is short. I don’t wanna have any regrets, do you? :(
    When it comes to love relationships, or rather, the AFTERs, it’s harder to say. I dunno what I can say to make you feel better, but I believe you’re on the right track to healing. You’re honest with yourself, and that can only be a good thing. You shouldn’t have to worry about when the pain will go away, but focus on the fact that, one day, it WILL. And isn’t that comfort enough? So wake up every day with hope. Maybe one morning you’ll wake up and the world’s a better, brighter place :D

    All the best! *hugs*

    1. i know that’s all you can say, but those are the best one could say. thank you, Liz. i hope it’ll be better & brighter too ^^

  4. Its ok. Let it all out. I hope someday will be the sunshine of someone who deserves you :-)

  5. I understand how u going thru in terms of love relationship as i also have the same feeling til now although it has been 1 year plus.

    I admit i am emotional and just like you giving myself time frame but…

    1. … let’s hug each other (tightly). hehe

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