the 3rd closure

there is a line between love and being rational about love. a romanticist believes that as long as there is love, anything can be solved. a realist calculates risks in a relationship based on facts gained by experiences, and leaves if there are more cons. but truth is, be he / she a romanticist or a realist, a man or woman who wants to make a relationship work, will move mountains to keep the person he / she loves.

people always say “a leopard can’t change its spots”. i find that statement damn true, but are you, a leopard? a realist once told me that 1. people (i) can’t change and 2. i shouldn’t change because there is somebody out there who will love me for who i am. but look – here’s what there is to 1. what can or cannot be changed. cannot: character and personality (face it – you’re born with it). can: lifestyle, nurture interest, values, etc.

2. changing can be dangerous if you are doing it for somebody else as you might change so much you don’t recognize yourself anymore (though real changes do happen when they come from an internalized realization). improving, on the other hand, is risk-free. nobody is born perfect but if you think there is no need to reflect and refine yourself anymore because there is someone out there waiting to accept all your flaws, can i try to liberate you by asking: aren’t we here to learn and improve as we live?

lifestyle, among many other things shapes a person’s values. a recent relationship made me questioned my values in life. finally, i have come in terms with agreeing that i feel ashamed about the time i use to apply makeup before climbing a hill, the beauty of fireworks i missed because i was always so busy taking pictures or worse, the woman lady i would have become earlier and where it would have taken me if i wasn’t so superficial.

lucky for us, we are neither leopards nor inanimate objects. our lifestyle changes as we grow older, while our values rearrange themselves on the pyramid chart to accommodate us as we adapt to different surroundings. however, it takes time to take one’s level of accepted standards up a notch and in some rare cases (like mine), needed a chance and a tad of faith that i wasn’t given.

at the end of the day, be this love about romanticists or realists, changes / improvements or values, here’s one way to conclude: if there are a million excuses to leave, there are also a million excuses to stay. i guess you love me a lot, but you don’t love me enough (as i love you) for us to be.

p/s: to you non-single ladies out there, unless you want to be single like me, listen. when there is no problem, DON’T LOOK FOR ONE. women are sensitive creatures and we sense when something is wrong. but on the other hand, deep down inside we do know what is important to talk about, what is not, and when to talk about what. easy to remember, but difficult to practice, ain’t it?

 

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36 comments

  1. Food for thought. A person can have a million reasons to break up if he doesn’t luv u. Face it. He doesn’t c u in his future.

    1. i faced it. he couldn’t see me. but it’s ok, timing is everything. (:

  2. We should always be ourselves and not change who we are. If we keep changing, we’ll end up being a chameleon , not knowing who we really are and confuse about our goals. There is ofcourse always a room to improve ourselves whether we do it for us or for the sake of others.

    p/s : you’re single? what happened?

    1. what happened, was the article above…

      1. Fate really have a strange ways of arranging things, just look forward to the next one you meet and hopefully it is someone that both of you will be holding on to each other without any hesitation.

      2. fate. such an easy word yet so unpredictable.

      3. But hey, all is not lost right? =) Your life is bigger even though without him! You have your friends, fans and family and also your popularity. It’s his lost for leaving the best thing there is

      4. … it’s hard for me to see that right now. as i saw a future in my head & where it was heading. now, it is what people call ash.

      5. then you can look for another , because there isn’t only one future…there are many different ones. If one fails and crumbles, there’s always another. the story of our lives doesn’t end early, it ends till the end of the book.

  3. And no matter what, friends never leaves. xoxoxo

      1. macam SEMUA org pun boleh agree ngan apa yg aku cakap. kenapelah die jer yg tak boleh?? i tak faham!

      2. ia tidak terlalu penting lagi, adakah ia? fikirannya belum didigest lagi. biar lah dia.

      3. ttg digest & penghadaman otak ni.. i baru teringat u plg pro. macam mane lah boleh reverse keadaan nih.. kill me pls!

  4. Don’t force yourself to change and change if you really want to, WHOLEHEARTEDLY. We are not anyone’s puppet. Nothing last forever unless both decided to walk the same direction and compromise to reach the common understanding, WILLINGLY. It is not ONE effort.. it is BOTH..

    Your past makes who you are today and why change just because u want to fit in? We all should learn how to accept the beauty than frowning over the ugly side. Life is short! It is either you continue to upset or do something about it! The decision is in your hand :))

    1. thanks for the advice, TikkoSS. love the 3rd & 4th sentence.. :)

  5. I always find your entries meaningful. Yeah, you are right, I used to change so much because of a guy. Just so he would look at me, I dropped 40kg and in the end, even though he did take a glance, it denoted nothing – he broke my heart and left me stranded at KTM at 12am.

    I agree, don’t change because of someone, change because you want to be better!

    Cindy, last but not least *a million hugs*.

    1. what a jerk! at 12 am? i hope you found a bright side from that lesson as i did with mine. it opened my eyes. it’s a shame i am left with no chance to show him what i finally see. *receives a million hugs*

  6. Punk Chopsticks on

    This is so true, but when you do find somebody who accepts you for who you are, it just makes everything all the more worth cherishing.

    There’s a common misconception that accepting is the same as conceding, but it’s not. Conceding means admitting defeat, like saying that that person is never going to change and that there’s nothing you can do about it no matter how hard you try. Accepting means admitting that it is what it is whether you like it or not and letting go of your control. Its a fine line but there’s a world of difference.

    You’re so profound and gorgeous, I’m sure that you’ll find the perfect guy soon =D

    1. dear Punk Chopsticks, thank you. i never learned the meaning of conceding until i read your comment. now i couldn’t help but wonder – does he not know about it too, was he in love with his ego, or does he simply don’t love me enough. hmmm…

      1. punk chopsticks on

        Yeah maybe, sometimes some people are so in love with the part of themselves that they see in their partner, or with the feeling that the other person gives them, but it’s not true love. It never is.

        He might be just in love with himself. I’m not fit to say but whatever the case, true friends and people that really love you will never (NEVER) make you feel less worthy of yourself or lacking.

        =) Stay strong

      2. everything people say seems to link back to the gist of “he doesn’t love you enough”. but i completely agree with your 2nd last sentence. sigh~

  7. So sorry to hear that. Break-ups aren’t easy but maybe God have a better plan for you..

    I’m in a relationship for 5 years, and I have change so much. I do not believe people who say they do not change who they are. Everybody change due to circumstances, environment, influence, people surrounding us. If you do not change, you are stuck and you do not accept life the way it is. I like what you said about ‘….. if you think there is no need to reflect and refine yourself anymore because there is someone out there waiting to accept all your flaws, can i try to liberate you by asking: aren’t we here to learn and improve as we live?”

    How true that is. I have seen a lot of relationship fail just because they are both not willing to change. However, for me, loving someone and being in a relationship also means being ready to change. My boyfriend loves me the way I am and does not ask me to change. However, I love him… and I am willing to change if its necessary. I believe that’s what love is suppose to be.

    I look around and see so many people so caught up with their own ideals and own worth and everything is just about me,me,me. What happened ‘us’? What happened to unconditional love?

    Find someone who loves you and will be willing to change for you . I wish you all the best.

    Take care and I pray that things will work out for you..

    *hugs*

    1. Don’t take tis wrong but tis happens when u date a caucasion. Esp a caucasion expat. They have a diff mentality vs Asians. They don put up with things they don want 2. They r way more independent vs Asians as well. If u decide to continue dating Caucasians expect dis and worse scenarios. They r here not to find a wife. That’s not their primary reason 2 b ere. N esp. when they r of a diff culture, they disagree a lot wif ur Asian thinking. Fact of life. The ugly truth. I know dis bcause I m married to a Canadian n I m telling u time and maturity plays a big role if u date one from another caucasion country. Only my 2 cents

      1. i appreciate your advise & couldn’t agree more. sometimes i guess we noticed some things, but what it really takes is someone to put it in words for us to see. the moment Caucasians date Asians, shouldn’t they already know what they sign up for? in my case, what i’m sure of is that we both tried (to make it work) once, but he’s not giving me a second one to mature through time. it’s a shame how one’s realistic view could kill what might be called a future together. they’d rather keep trying & searching, instead of seeing what’s right in front of them. or maybe, i’m just not the one he loves enough to be. i hope u & your Canadian husband are happy always. all the best (:

    2. i pray there are more people in the world who think like you & me. love & life would be so much easier & generous. some tell me they are born stubborn, i think they are just selfish. well, i needed a 2nd chance; not like it’s the 20th. but still… his time is too priceless i suppose. thanks ester, your comment made me feel a bit better (‘: hugs back

  8. —”the moment Caucasians date Asians, shouldn’t they already know what they sign up for?”

    are you serious?

    if you have a minute, try this: ask the same question but flip the words Caucasians and Asians and answer to yourself if it still sounds as fair as you think it does now…

    as you say, maybe you are less superficial now.. but you still have a long way to go girl…

    1. i do have a long way to go & i believe i stated that clearly too, & that takes time. i flipped the question but i guess if i were the one who was an expat, i would know what i’m signing up for. esp for one who has traveled around Asia and dated Asians. sorry if i offended you in any way.

  9. Dear Cindy,

    I know we’ve just met, and I don’t know your life story at all, but please, feel better soon. From experience, it is definitely not worth bucket loads of tears for someone who can’t see how much you love and care for them.

    I dated this guy for about a month before we got together, and when we did, despite what everyone said about him, despite all the warnings i got about him, it lasted only for a while. When it ended, we stopped talking. I cried and cried and cried, and everything seems to remind me of him (the universe is mean to us that way). Few months after, he got into an accident. Everyone thought he deserves it, but here i was, crying my eyeballs out hoping he was not injured. He was. And the very next day, i went to see him, treated his wounds (coz he refused to go to clinic to get the wounds looked at), drove him around whenever he needed to. And when i ask if we’re getting back together (because i don’t want to be holding on to something that’s not going to mean anything to him), he dodged the question, all the time. This went on for a few months, then he just stopped talking to me. He left to Singapore for internship and we just lost contact, just like that. And just recently when he got back, we started dating again. And again i raised the question and i made sure he hears it and doesn’t dodge it, and all he said was, “can we not talk about the future?”

    Here i thought we’d have a future together, and there he was just thinking about the present. It took me a lot a lot a lot of willpower and strength to finally gave up on our “relationship” simply because, i cared too much, and he didn’t care at all. Because I loved too much, and he didn’t love me the same way. I admit that up till this very day, whenever i say that i’m okay and that i don’t care anymore, it’s not true, though i don’t cry that often anymore, but part of me still dies whenever something reminds me of him, and in my circumstances, i have to see this “something” every single day for the rest of my life.

    So here’s something for you: The pain might be so unbearable at times, and most times it will make you cry, and i’m not saying it will go away in a heartbeat, or anytime soon, but it’s really up to you to keep that pain and heartache away. And when it does go away, it will be as if the weight of the world has been lifted up from your chest, and you will be okay. You might fall back once in a while, but you will always always have your best of friends and families around to help you back up, and they will be the ones to always remind you of why you’re still breathing as of this very day.

    If you ever ever ever need a shoulder to continue crying on, or a pair of ears to listen to you rant, and someone to talk to, i’m here, always <3

    Take care, and i'll see you soon okay? *big hug*

    1. hi Dila, … you left me speechless. looks like we share the same problem with “future”, though our stories are different. thanks for sharing with me (‘: i wish i could say more, but right now i’m just really hurt as it is still way beyond recent. *huggies* & hope to see you soon too <3

  10. big hugs! I hate this phase, it’s a hard time to go by. Time will heal and when we find and with someone who trully adore and love us, then we could look back and be at ease. It sounds so “blah” isn’t : ) he’s out there, my dear. Be it caucasian or asian or africa : ) different people different character.

    1. haha! i really really like the last line!! 10Q ^^

  11. Take The Good With The Bad
    Smile With The Sad
    Love What You Got & Remember What You Had,
    Always Forgive But Never Forget,
    Learn From Your Mistakes But Never Regret,
    People Change & Things Go Wrong…
    But Just Remember, That Life Goes On.

  12. Awww! You just broke my heart a little and I don’t even know you…good writing! Love hurts, thems the rules.

    But fireworks and lipstick are not superficial…they rock! Everyone knows that! It is possible to be immacualte and still have depth, infact it’s better…isn’t it?

    And romanticism always beats realism…realism is SO boring! Ha ha!

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