Final Fantasy Z
2010
I have a visitor at 4 a.m every night. He comes into my room quietly, sits by my bed, strokes my forehead lovingly, then wakes me up again just to ask me walk him to the door before the clock strikes 7.
The real time would be between 5 to 6 a.m. My eyes open; staring into the dark. I feel my heart racing then I would start crying under the covers.
How do you continue sleeping after waking up to a nightmare of sending someone you love out the door; every single day? It is very emotionally tiring.
Since *Z left me, this nightmare has been haunting me continuously – making it harder for me to move on than it already is. ):
I wonder if dreams are messages from God or truths that you escape from thinking, then stored at the back of your head and revisit you when you’re sleeping.
I had two weird dreams about *Z I wanna share. Maybe you can tell me what you think.
* * *
“I can’t remember how the wedding went. Why is that?”
“It went well. Don’t worry.” he says smiling.
I can’t possibly be crazy. The wedding was only an hour ago. I try my best to recall, but nothing. There is no trace of the so-called enchanted ceremony in my head.
I am still in my ballroom gown, him in his sleek, glossy, tux. I never knew wedding gowns can feel so comfortable.
Here we are. Just the both of us. Sitting on a king size bed in royal purple with silky cushions made of golden threads all around. It looks something like this :
… except that it is darker and there are no walls. The walls are replaced with huge glass panes.
I look outside the windows and see trillions of stars, constellations, and planets. All turning while burning at the same time. I feel so happy and lucky
I guess our marriage took place in Pluto. Everything seems so royal, so purple, so magical.
I look at him. He looks so macho. I smile at him and hold his hands. They feel so warm. I am the happiest girl on earth. Nothing can buy this feeling. Not all the money in the World. There is nothing else I want more than to be with him.
He slowly takes out a tiny box from his pocket.
“I want you to have this“, he says.
I gently reach out to open it and I see the most exquisite, alluring diamond ring smiling at me.
It looks something like this :
“Why? Didn’t we exchange rings at the church just now? What is this I’m wearing?” ask I, showing him the ring on my finger – a very complex ring with an emerald snake on it.
“That was for the ceremony. For show. This one represents the honest love I have for you. I want you to have it.”
I look at the ring.
“Would you marry me if I didn’t get pregnant?”
There goes a very very long pause, and I hear him say…
“No.”
From the corner of my eyes I see something moving. It looks like his sister, petrified to hear such answer. He gets furious and chases her out the room, just to realize it is actually his mother.
On our wedding night, she sleeps in the same room with us.
When I wake up, it is still dark. The planets are still turning and burning. Everyone is packing. Where are we going? I reckon, our honeymoon.
Our honeymoon includes his family and a bunch of his mother’s friends. They don’t seem to like me. We went to a place that looks something like this :
It is a must for everyone to swim. I don’t know why I am here anymore. It feels so cold and uninviting. I want to talk to his sister, but she seems so afraid of me. I want to hold my husband, but he avoids me. I want to confide in my in-laws, but I am invisible in their eyes.
I am wearing a purple bikini. I constantly check on my tummy to see if there is a bulge that grows any bigger.
But there isn’t. I am so confuse – I can’t remember the wedding, I don’t recall getting pregnant, but here I am, tied to a marriage and a family who doesn’t approve of me.
“*Z. *Z!” I call, but he is too busy splashing water with his sis and cousins. I want to call my mum on the phone and spill everything to her, but that would break her heart. She doesn’t know we got married because I got pregnant. T__________T
I can’t take it anymore, so I ask to be excused. The noises die down. Everyone looks at me. Frowns start engraving their faces.
“May I know where the lift is?” I ask.
Nobody answers me. Even my husband. So I walk away, finding my own way back to the room. My eyes are teary, but I have to remain strong. When I find the lift, they are already behind me.
A friend of his mother starts speaking in Hokkien. She says,
“This woman here asked me the way and when I was thinking, she asked me to leave! How rude. Can you believe it? What a slut!”
Shock to hear such accuse, I blast back in Hokkien and say,
“I understand Hokkien. You don’t have to lie.”
Then I woke up. What the fuck. What a dream. I didn’t like it. But the first part was so beautiful… I will keep it close to my heart, believe me. It is the closest I could get to being with *Z this lifetime. FML!
* * *
The week before, I had a shorter dream which was more surreal. Apparently, we had a Doraemon event at my hometown. It was like a lantern festival and I had to overlook it for 3 days – Friday to Sunday, day and night.
Sitting there at the information counter, I kept looking at my watch, counting the time. Sometimes I wish *Z would appear and give me a surprise, but I know that requires a hell lotta miracle so I killed all false hopes I had.
On the third and last night of the event, my colleague Kelvin ran towards me excitedly, waving. What now, I thought to myself.
“I have some good news for you! You’d be very very happy!” he said, running past me laughing like a silly boy.
“Right…” I left my warm seat and started walking around the festival, alone.
Suddenly, someone hugged me tightly from behind. It felt so familiar – the texture of this black cotton T, the kind of blue this jeans have, the smell of fresh laundry…
I’m sure you guessed it, cuz I am lame that way.
Cheesy you might think, but not quite.
*Z told me he is sorry and he wants to give us one. last. chance. I was so happy I could still smile if I get knocked down by a train at the railway behind me.
So there we were, holding on to each other tightly having fun at the festival. But this time, it felt different.
*Z kept talking, and talking about himself. He goes on and on about how happy his life was without me. I remained quiet thoughout the whole night; there’s just too much going on.
I guess it is my turn to make a decision this time, I thought sitting on an old red plastic chair at the counter. Then I woke up, feeling like shit.
So tell me. Is this a sign from God saying I should move on, or is it just me. I’ve become so delusional.
IT’S SO FUNNY!!!
