Final Fantasy Z
2010
I have a visitor at 4 a.m every night. He comes into my room quietly, sits by my bed, strokes my forehead lovingly, then wakes me up again just to ask me walk him to the door before the clock strikes 7.
The real time would be between 5 to 6 a.m. My eyes open; staring into the dark. I feel my heart racing then I would start crying under the covers.
How do you continue sleeping after waking up to a nightmare of sending someone you love out the door; every single day? It is very emotionally tiring.
Since *Z left me, this nightmare has been haunting me continuously – making it harder for me to move on than it already is. ):
I wonder if dreams are messages from God or truths that you escape from thinking, then stored at the back of your head and revisit you when you’re sleeping.
I had two weird dreams about *Z I wanna share. Maybe you can tell me what you think.
* * *
“I can’t remember how the wedding went. Why is that?”
“It went well. Don’t worry.” he says smiling.
I can’t possibly be crazy. The wedding was only an hour ago. I try my best to recall, but nothing. There is no trace of the so-called enchanted ceremony in my head.
I am still in my ballroom gown, him in his sleek, glossy, tux. I never knew wedding gowns can feel so comfortable.
Here we are. Just the both of us. Sitting on a king size bed in royal purple with silky cushions made of golden threads all around. It looks something like this :
… except that it is darker and there are no walls. The walls are replaced with huge glass panes.
I look outside the windows and see trillions of stars, constellations, and planets. All turning while burning at the same time. I feel so happy and lucky
I guess our marriage took place in Pluto. Everything seems so royal, so purple, so magical.
I look at him. He looks so macho. I smile at him and hold his hands. They feel so warm. I am the happiest girl on earth. Nothing can buy this feeling. Not all the money in the World. There is nothing else I want more than to be with him.
He slowly takes out a tiny box from his pocket.
“I want you to have this“, he says.
I gently reach out to open it and I see the most exquisite, alluring diamond ring smiling at me.
It looks something like this :
“Why? Didn’t we exchange rings at the church just now? What is this I’m wearing?” ask I, showing him the ring on my finger – a very complex ring with an emerald snake on it.
“That was for the ceremony. For show. This one represents the honest love I have for you. I want you to have it.”
I look at the ring.
“Would you marry me if I didn’t get pregnant?”
There goes a very very long pause, and I hear him say…
“No.”
From the corner of my eyes I see something moving. It looks like his sister, petrified to hear such answer. He gets furious and chases her out the room, just to realize it is actually his mother.
On our wedding night, she sleeps in the same room with us.
When I wake up, it is still dark. The planets are still turning and burning. Everyone is packing. Where are we going? I reckon, our honeymoon.
Our honeymoon includes his family and a bunch of his mother’s friends. They don’t seem to like me. We went to a place that looks something like this :
It is a must for everyone to swim. I don’t know why I am here anymore. It feels so cold and uninviting. I want to talk to his sister, but she seems so afraid of me. I want to hold my husband, but he avoids me. I want to confide in my in-laws, but I am invisible in their eyes.
I am wearing a purple bikini. I constantly check on my tummy to see if there is a bulge that grows any bigger.
But there isn’t. I am so confuse – I can’t remember the wedding, I don’t recall getting pregnant, but here I am, tied to a marriage and a family who doesn’t approve of me.
“*Z. *Z!” I call, but he is too busy splashing water with his sis and cousins. I want to call my mum on the phone and spill everything to her, but that would break her heart. She doesn’t know we got married because I got pregnant. T__________T
I can’t take it anymore, so I ask to be excused. The noises die down. Everyone looks at me. Frowns start engraving their faces.
“May I know where the lift is?” I ask.
Nobody answers me. Even my husband. So I walk away, finding my own way back to the room. My eyes are teary, but I have to remain strong. When I find the lift, they are already behind me.
A friend of his mother starts speaking in Hokkien. She says,
“This woman here asked me the way and when I was thinking, she asked me to leave! How rude. Can you believe it? What a slut!”
Shock to hear such accuse, I blast back in Hokkien and say,
“I understand Hokkien. You don’t have to lie.”
Then I woke up. What the fuck. What a dream. I didn’t like it. But the first part was so beautiful… I will keep it close to my heart, believe me. It is the closest I could get to being with *Z this lifetime. FML!
* * *
The week before, I had a shorter dream which was more surreal. Apparently, we had a Doraemon event at my hometown. It was like a lantern festival and I had to overlook it for 3 days – Friday to Sunday, day and night.
Sitting there at the information counter, I kept looking at my watch, counting the time. Sometimes I wish *Z would appear and give me a surprise, but I know that requires a hell lotta miracle so I killed all false hopes I had.
On the third and last night of the event, my colleague Kelvin ran towards me excitedly, waving. What now, I thought to myself.
“I have some good news for you! You’d be very very happy!” he said, running past me laughing like a silly boy.
“Right…” I left my warm seat and started walking around the festival, alone.
Suddenly, someone hugged me tightly from behind. It felt so familiar – the texture of this black cotton T, the kind of blue this jeans have, the smell of fresh laundry…
I’m sure you guessed it, cuz I am lame that way.
Cheesy you might think, but not quite.
*Z told me he is sorry and he wants to give us one. last. chance. I was so happy I could still smile if I get knocked down by a train at the railway behind me.
So there we were, holding on to each other tightly having fun at the festival. But this time, it felt different.
*Z kept talking, and talking about himself. He goes on and on about how happy his life was without me. I remained quiet thoughout the whole night; there’s just too much going on.
I guess it is my turn to make a decision this time, I thought sitting on an old red plastic chair at the counter. Then I woke up, feeling like shit.
So tell me. Is this a sign from God saying I should move on, or is it just me. I’ve become so delusional.
IT’S SO FUNNY!!!
giam2020
April 11, 2010 at 2:48 pm
It’s your sub-conscience playing tricks on
your mind.On one part you refuse to accept
reality that a relationship that have brought
you much happiness in the past have ended.
But you cannot accept him for having cheated
on you.Purple seems to have a significance theme
because during your happy time you wore purple.
You have to be strong to move on and bring an
end to this chapter of your life that have cause
you misery.Be strong for the sake of your parents
who love you alot.Time will heal all wounds.
Cindy Tey
April 12, 2010 at 11:01 am
I don’t think I ever wore purple when I went out with him =/
giam2020
April 12, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Then it’s a good sign that you have forgotten him
Don’t you remember your earlier posting ‘purple
my colour of love’. Don’t let your heart rule over
your head and you will regain your bubbly self.
Cheers.
Cindy Tey
April 13, 2010 at 11:05 am
got meh! ahahahaha… wahlan u can rmbr. i’m tryin my best, thanks!
johnny tai
April 11, 2010 at 3:33 pm
it is a sign that maybe a possible future. God did speak to you if you receive that kind of dream. You’ve been hurt so bad by the jerk u were with, he sent this to comfort you.
But it could also be possible that you are dreaming about another life u had, not in this life…maybe previous or the next life. It’s some crazy fiction I read from the internet. But then again, our dreams seem so real but doesn’t look like we recognize things. I had many of the same dream too like you (not a mysterious person visiting me though)
So keep that dream, make it happen. That’s how it normaly start =) when u want to achieve something, right? =)
Cindy Tey
April 12, 2010 at 11:00 am
on 2nd thoughts, now i don’t wanna keep it. duno why the hell i had it T__________T urgh if can i wanna DELETE then EMPTY Recycle Bin!
johnny tai
April 12, 2010 at 7:32 pm
Then start a better one
anonymous
April 12, 2010 at 12:20 am
If I am Z and I see this, I would be laughing. On a personal
opinion, this somehow doesn’t help in your moving on process..
It will be good if you let him know you had already move on,
take back the little dignity that you had left with you and be away. don’t let him know that you still miss him or what, it does not matter anymore. I am sorry, I know it’s harsh but life is like that.
Yes, maybe it’s just a dream, but how many times can you suffer like that? Will you really forgive him and be with him again only for him to hurt you again? Hope you really move on and move on means, you
won’t even mention a thing of him in here anymore.
Cindy Tey
April 12, 2010 at 10:59 am
aiya who r U i wanna belanja u makan can? Ur comment is so blunt it wakes me up – the 1st sentence would do. T__________T it makes me regret posting this shit up i almost deleted it )’=
anonymous
April 12, 2010 at 1:01 pm
When a person leave you, it’s not your loss, but it’s their
loss. You have everything yourself, good character, smart,
and pretty young lady. People who doesn’t treasure you,
doesn’t mean you are not good. It’s just fated to be that
way, maybe to let you learn and see a person properly b4 jumping
into another relationship. We emotional creatures,
falls into love quite intuitively there is no right strategy
on how to choose a person, but foremost, as a girl and I
think it’s important to choose a person who treasures u
more than you treasure him? Who loves and desire for you, more
than you love and desire for him? I truly believes,
when a guy is really into you, he will make all means to
be with you and make you a happy person. Not the other way
round though.
I prefer a low profile. Will reveal myself when it’s needed.
Hehe.
Cindy Tey
April 13, 2010 at 11:08 am
U sound like my dad! R u my dad?! *raise eyebrow
Ruby Ooi
April 13, 2010 at 12:39 pm
LOL! Thats funny. Hi uncle.
Cindy Tey
April 13, 2010 at 4:18 pm
who UNCLE?! :S
Raymond
April 12, 2010 at 8:19 am
i woke up this morning so moody. and saw this article.
ouch x 2
Cindy Tey
April 12, 2010 at 10:58 am
i OUCH X 10
Raymond
April 12, 2010 at 1:28 pm
i was driving my car just now and my thoughts were with you. then i told myself, i’d better edit some wordings of mine. like ouch x max.
then i saw u replying the ouch x 10 thingy.
ini potong stim jor.
Cindy Tey
April 13, 2010 at 11:08 am
cheh! ahahahahha///
bunny
April 12, 2010 at 10:49 am
er johnny, NO dreams are not signs of ANYTHING ok. they r just things ur subconscious mind stores that all come out when ur sleeping. havent you heard that the subconscious mind is way more powerful than the conscious? all ur hopes and dreams and secret fears are kept in there. fear of heights and blood that cannot be controlled are all in the subconscious.
dreams are simply a manifestation of the things u hope but dont dare to say aloud, mixed with what actually happened in real life, AND you secret fears.
i always dream my bf will cheat on me, because that is what i fear most.
and i’m still dreaming of this friend i had who suddenly cut ties with me for no reason at all, not picking up his phone, not replying his smses or even facebook status comments…i dream and dream that either we become friends again n it’s all a misundertsanding, or that he suddenly tells me sorry and walks away.
it hurts, and i HATE these kind of dreams.
Cindy Tey
April 12, 2010 at 10:58 am
OMG i H8 this kinda dreams too WTF! damn benci!!! *hi5*
Peter
April 12, 2010 at 11:12 am
A woman’s dream is a man’s nightmare
suz
April 12, 2010 at 1:33 pm
i don’t know how to interpret dreams but in both of your dreams, Z seems very selfish. maybe deep down you knew it, thats why you drems of him that way. And with this kinda of selfish people, don’y you think its good not having them in your life.
I’m sorry to say this Cin.. it’s a good thing he’s not in your life anymore. be a girl who knows how to hold her head high. let him know you are happy without him.
Dannielle
April 13, 2010 at 9:34 am
hey dear, cheer up. all this are just temporary feelings. but it is also a good way for u.if u have never experienced it u will never know how it hurts u that bad. since it already happened, y not look at the brighter side where as u telling urself that u will know how to handle this kind of things in the future. we humans will never grow if we dun fall to the ground. all u need to do is just stand up tall and face it. try telling urself that u will have a better life than him rather than him sitting there laughing at u. y dun u be selfish and prove to him that he’s a jerk and he’s just a lame arse crap. u’re a strong girl and i beleve u’ll be fine in just a snap.
Cindy Tey
April 13, 2010 at 11:03 am
i wish i were as strong as u grl… i wish.. i m trying to be the best i can right now. but thanks heaps <3
Ruby Ooi
April 13, 2010 at 12:49 pm
I wouldn’t hide this post. What is there to be ashamed of? He would know how you are know even he doesn’t read your post. If he doesn’t reads it, he is choosing to ignore how you feel. If he reads it, he would be feeling guilty. I guess he might have not chosen to read it =/
Tak malu pun kalau dia tau, kalau dia baca pun. He should know better. Biar lah sakit tu. At least for now. Nak malu ape kalau partner satu tu tau kita sakit. At least, “I dare to show how I feel” “I dare to express how I feel”
You’re not hiding your feeling. AND that IS a good thing.
EVERY SINGLE DAY IS A NEW DAY. (altho we do feel shit SHIT every single night before going to sleep.. every single day ONCE our eyes opens.. looking at the couple at the train station.. driving and listening to emo songs in the car and starts crying for no reason etc etc ETC! It is a process. You have to held yourself.
We do say “We’re here if you need us.”
But, you yourself is responsible for yourself. I am seeing you grow, my friend. Keep going. Can you see the light at the end of the tunnel? We’re there to get you :’)
Loves,
Boobiez.
Cindy Tey
April 13, 2010 at 4:17 pm
u r obviously the one who supports me here (lol) & i damn happy cuz got u! yea, so what if he knows or what – FTS i do what i want as long as i move on in d end!
chris
April 14, 2010 at 12:41 am
girl, its all in ur mind… Day time u wish things would happen in a different way,but night time u will dream differently.. Let it go.. I was once at ur situations.. Took me a month to wake up. U have frens who support u, and us readers/fans who will always be here for u.
Take it as an experience … As they say Sh*t happen… Dun look back.. If I were to look back at all my bad experience and every one pay me 10 cents , I would be multi millionaire .. Tat why until now Im not rich …
Sorry for my lingo and some typo error… Kinda hard to write on an iphone.. Ehmm.. Ehmmmm… still have plastic smell..
Cheers dear… Dun think so much. I know its hard. do some other activities which will distract u.. Errrr… Like sky diving.. diving… Or some other stuffs.
Cindy Tey
April 14, 2010 at 11:49 am
SKY DIVING?! wow… u sure r a breath taker rnt u? hahaha
chris
April 15, 2010 at 12:21 am
dear… We only live once. Rather than regretting and be sad of things tat we have done. Why dun, we shout till our lungs comes out. Be happy. Tat life as I said…
If u need someone to shout at, bite ,kick or talk … Beep me..be gladly to.
happy to help another homosapiens …
Cindy Tey
April 16, 2010 at 1:48 am
y u so kind one? for once only izzit! hahahahaha
mhid
April 16, 2010 at 6:36 am
hi, sorry u’re going through this rough patch. god loves you and if u keep praying n asking him to speak to u he will guide u on the right track and protect u!